A mustache is a terrible thing to waste. (As you can see the following photos prove how easily the mustache fits into all manner of professions)

This morning my mustache woke me up at 5:30 am to throw on a ragged plaid long sleeve and fit into a pair of slim yet sexy Levis jeans and chop some wood for the fireplace. I resisted the urge to Chew some Skoal tobacco but could not fight the almost natural instinct to place my foot on any ledge of two feet or more and lean my elbow to knee while staring off into the distance of the horizon. I noticed this week that after a five day growth my voice dropped three full octaves and my chest hair began to race toward my neck like migratory Swallows to the San Juan Capistrano.

Now I am not going to straight out say that my mustache has granted me powers superior to those of mortal "baby-faced" humans or that after said growth my wife has been clinging to me like a conjoined twin dependent on my internal organs to survive nor will I mention the depth of perception that allowed me to see through and ultimately quote word for word the premiere episode of every day time soap opera as they appeared live on television and I will also take no pride in the fact that "Old Spice" has contacted me personally in an attempt to bottle my sweat as an aphrodisiac cologne for men and women and neither is it a rumor that the very movement of my upper-lip while reading any book by Dr. Seuss has a hypnotic effect that will put even the most colicky child into a coma like slumber lasting exactly 8.35 hours only to awaken with the new-found ability to converse fluently in American sign-language. These things ,if mentioned, would sound too prideful and arrogant to come from one of such humble mustached sophistication.Instead I will explain these facts through proven scientific methods and reason.

I apologize in advance to those of you taking up the position of laymen in the ability of the scientific arts of explainification. "The word"matter" refers to the substance that objects are made of. One common way to identify this "substance" is through its physical properties ; a common definition of matter is anything that has mass and occupies a volume. However, this definition has to be revised in light of "quantum mechanics", where the concept of "having mass", and "occupying space" are not as well-defined as in everyday life. A more general view is that bodies are made of several substances, and the properties of matter (among them, mass and volume) are determined not only by the substances themselves, but by how they interact. In other words, matter is made up of interacting "building blocks"the so-called particulate theory of matter."*1
Therefore as my mustache is made of matter and occupies both space and volume it displaces the space that once existed upon my upper-lip and since matter cannot be created or destroyed the resulting displacement would normally create a phenomenon known as a "sonic boom" however since the growth of a mustache is much slower than the mach level of speed required for the resulting boom the law of physics creates a wormhole in space and time to displace the energy (As this field of study is relatively new the black hole theory remains a theory to those less educated.) This resulting energy is than transferred into the mustache-ees physical being or "Chi" reserves (much like "The force" resides in those who have mastered its energy) overwhelming the hosts reserves and granting a heightened sense of perception and manliness-ness. The following diagram explains the above in a simple illustration.



Now that we have reached a level of common understanding I would like to invite you all ,male and female, to join me in this heightened level of awareness. I understand that new things can be scary but I hope that as you begin to commit to this new level of humanitarianism that we can all use the powers granted to begin a new campaign towards world peace and common understanding, and now my brothers and sisters go in peace.

(*1 Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matter)