A mustache is a terrible thing to waste. (As you can see the following photos prove how easily the mustache fits into all manner of professions)

This morning my mustache woke me up at 5:30 am to throw on a ragged plaid long sleeve and fit into a pair of slim yet sexy Levis jeans and chop some wood for the fireplace. I resisted the urge to Chew some Skoal tobacco but could not fight the almost natural instinct to place my foot on any ledge of two feet or more and lean my elbow to knee while staring off into the distance of the horizon. I noticed this week that after a five day growth my voice dropped three full octaves and my chest hair began to race toward my neck like migratory Swallows to the San Juan Capistrano.

Now I am not going to straight out say that my mustache has granted me powers superior to those of mortal "baby-faced" humans or that after said growth my wife has been clinging to me like a conjoined twin dependent on my internal organs to survive nor will I mention the depth of perception that allowed me to see through and ultimately quote word for word the premiere episode of every day time soap opera as they appeared live on television and I will also take no pride in the fact that "Old Spice" has contacted me personally in an attempt to bottle my sweat as an aphrodisiac cologne for men and women and neither is it a rumor that the very movement of my upper-lip while reading any book by Dr. Seuss has a hypnotic effect that will put even the most colicky child into a coma like slumber lasting exactly 8.35 hours only to awaken with the new-found ability to converse fluently in American sign-language. These things ,if mentioned, would sound too prideful and arrogant to come from one of such humble mustached sophistication.Instead I will explain these facts through proven scientific methods and reason.

I apologize in advance to those of you taking up the position of laymen in the ability of the scientific arts of explainification. "The word"matter" refers to the substance that objects are made of. One common way to identify this "substance" is through its physical properties ; a common definition of matter is anything that has mass and occupies a volume. However, this definition has to be revised in light of "quantum mechanics", where the concept of "having mass", and "occupying space" are not as well-defined as in everyday life. A more general view is that bodies are made of several substances, and the properties of matter (among them, mass and volume) are determined not only by the substances themselves, but by how they interact. In other words, matter is made up of interacting "building blocks"the so-called particulate theory of matter."*1
Therefore as my mustache is made of matter and occupies both space and volume it displaces the space that once existed upon my upper-lip and since matter cannot be created or destroyed the resulting displacement would normally create a phenomenon known as a "sonic boom" however since the growth of a mustache is much slower than the mach level of speed required for the resulting boom the law of physics creates a wormhole in space and time to displace the energy (As this field of study is relatively new the black hole theory remains a theory to those less educated.) This resulting energy is than transferred into the mustache-ees physical being or "Chi" reserves (much like "The force" resides in those who have mastered its energy) overwhelming the hosts reserves and granting a heightened sense of perception and manliness-ness. The following diagram explains the above in a simple illustration.



Now that we have reached a level of common understanding I would like to invite you all ,male and female, to join me in this heightened level of awareness. I understand that new things can be scary but I hope that as you begin to commit to this new level of humanitarianism that we can all use the powers granted to begin a new campaign towards world peace and common understanding, and now my brothers and sisters go in peace.

(*1 Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matter)

Surgery and the right to arm bears.

So in the post-surgery haze of painkilling narcotics I decided that now was the time to push past the fact that cognative thought is being spread thin and that I cannot for the life of me express those same thoughts while following anything that even resembles the rules of grammar, i.e the run-on sentence that you are currently reading. So , to sum it up, I decided to start a blog ignoring all the rules of grammar with both great contempt and prejudice the same way that one would treat an unwelcome guest or a burglar in the wee hours of the morning ( with the liberal application of a shotgun) if it makes it any easier for you, pretend that you are reading a version of dialect writing instead of literary writing and that may open up a whole new world to you almost like reading "Tom Sawyer" or "Huckleberry Finn" you mave have to stop and say to yourself " The entire structure of this paragraph is so bad its almost like he did it on purpose which in context makes this man a genius!" or " The supernatural and psychic awareness this man has cultivated are so intense that he must be channeling Mark Twain flawlessly from beyond the grave!" But enough about me, if there is anything that I pride myself on it is my ability to be humble to an almost inhuman degree.

So today marks day Wendsday the 16th in my recover from surgery in which it was decided that I am too much man for all but 20% of my medial meniscus and the rest must be removed, How you may ask? Surgically. Now for those of you who do not know where the medial of the meniscus resides the following picture should explianificate it:



And with that brief and yet unassuming explanation I am now left waiting for an almost inevitable visit from the Arthritis fairy whom I believe ushers in the appearance of the Dementia and loss of bowel control fairies. ( Whom , and it may simply be a result of the painkillers, I now firmly believe in to the extent that I am putting a pair of"Depends"http://www.us.depend.com/ under my pillow from this night forward in an attempt to reach a truce) However I do believe that there is hope, despite the fact that I can now predict the weather with my knee, and have planned to compete in various competitions near the end of 09 and into 2010, some of which include a grappling competition in Vegas, a few local 5k's, and the second half of this seasons rugby with the Portland pigs.

Reinforcing belief in the progress of my healing is the well known fact that Birthday cakes (after the candles have been blown out of course) contain magical healing properties much like the fountain of youth but not limited to the actual regrowing of limbs and various joint tissues. As such my main source of nutrition has come from the leftovers of Juliana's birthday cake celebrating her third year on this earth.Look at that cake! Not only did my wife make this cake from scratch but she did it while juggling our two children, cleaning and simultaneously decorating for the party, taught our dog to read in braille regardless of the lack of an opposable thumb , took a clear picture of the Loch Ness Monster ( clearly proving that it is infact a surviving species of Plesiosaur ) and built the Tinkerbell doll using pieces from a 1976 Chevy suburban and her own memory of the movie Peter pan, all the while making two other cakes indistinguishable from the above for the charitable organization "Kakes for Kent". And at the same time unknowingly imbuing it with all the powers of healing. Took her about 15 min, if you don't count the five minute break in-between. this would have taken most women until 3am in the morning or some other unreasonable length. The secret ,she tells me, is time management and a disregard for the law of physic's. As they say well behaved women rarely make history, you cant take crap from the laws of space and dimension. Did you get the chance to vote on these laws? I didn't think so and that is just plain UN-American,unless you were too busy voting on "American Idol" which as far as it has been explained to me is American as well, as it includes the word "American".

Next time I will Explore the depth's that are my post surgery one week MUSTACHE and the glory and wrath thereof. Notice how I capitalized the word MUSTACHE, yeah its going to be kind-of-a-big-deal.